


I Wasn't Yours and You Weren't Mine

by northerndownpout



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 6th year, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders, Marauders era, Remus is really angry??, Sirius is really sad???, The Prank aftermath, everyone is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:55:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northerndownpout/pseuds/northerndownpout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hogwarts was so big, but the boy with black hair and grey eyes looked so small. </p>
<p>Remus is determined not to forgive Sirius for what he's done, but nothing has ever been that simple for Remus Lupin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

A year after The Prank, Remus watched James climb through the portrait hole. Remus was curled into an armchair, book propped on his knees, all but hiding his face. However, he could still see over the top of the well-worn pages; he considered this an advantage. It gave him the opportunity to see the tired and almost guilty look of James’ face, well before the other boy noticed he was sitting there and gave him a bright smile.

Remus saw through James’ charm. He seemed to be seeing a lot of people for what they truly were these days.

“Hey, Moony, I was just talking to, uh, Peter. He’ll be back soon.”

Remus raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly to Peter, who sat on the other side of the common room, winning spectacularly at Wizard’s Chess. He’d been doing so for some time.

James cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses.

“James,” Remus said quietly, “I know you were with Sirius, you don’t have to lie to me.”

James sighed and sat on the couch, staring into the fire. “He’s still my best friend, Remus, I’m sorry. I can schedule it out, though, so you don’t have to think about it.”

Remus didn’t say anything for a long time, just set his book face down but open on his stomach, brushing his thumb against a still pink scar in between two knuckles on the other hand. “You’re not sparing me any pain, James. I don’t care if you spend time with him.”

The offer of scheduled visits sounded entirely too much like a kid split between divorced parents. They all lived in the same dorm. James shouldn’t have to schedule time for his friends.

James spoke quietly and carefully, like speaking to a wounded animal. It was an excellent comparison, Remus thought. “Maybe you should talk to him. Not a lot. I still don’t think you should be around him, or him around you, really, but…he needs…he needs you, even though you don’t need him. He at least needs to talk to you.”

Remus thought that was a bit unfair, considering how much talking Sirius had done After, but he never replied, because if he spoke he might tell James about how much he used to think he needed Sirius, before he knew that even Marauders couldn’t save each other.

 

_Hogwarts was so big, but the boy with black hair and grey eyes looked so small. His shoulders curled forward and he held his hands firmly clasped in his lap under the table. Remus thought the boy might disappear if he tried hard enough. The Hall still rang with Professor McGonagall’s voice as she called the next name on the list, but Remus was distracted by the claps on the back and congratulatory words from his new house mates._

_“Hello,” he said to the boy, sitting next to him. Admittedly, he didn’t remember the boy’s name. Before Remus was sorted his eyes were firmly focused on the enchanted ceiling and all he could remember was the incessant gnawing feeling in his gut, that relentless anxiety._

_The boy looked up from his empty plate to Remus. “Hello.”_

_Remus offered him a smile. “I’m Remus,” he said loudly, raising his voice to be heard over cheers from the Ravenclaw table._

_“Sirius Black,” the boy said and he automatically winced, as if his own name offended him. “Can I tell you a secret?”_

_Remus nodded, leaning forward, all eleven-year-old eagerness. The boy, Sirius Black, leaned closer as well. He looked around for a moment before whispering, “I’m not supposed to be here.”_

_Remus glanced up at the ceiling, where the image of the moon hung over them, almost like it was watching. “It’s all right. Neither am I.”_

In the light of Remus’ wand Sirius’ wide eyes stared up at him. Remus stood there for a moment, but decided he hated having to look down at him. He knew that he’d grown taller than Sirius in the past year, but the vast difference between standing and sitting only reminded him that he’d never stood close enough to Sirius to experience the change.

So he sat.

There was no extreme change in the feel of the air, no sudden rush of warmth or cold. Remus just felt numb.

He adjusted his position so he was sat at the foot of the bed, but facing Sirius, his legs curled up so their knees would have been touching, if not for the blankets between them.

Sirius continued staring at him as if he were faced with some mythical creature, which, Remus thought with a wry smile, he supposed he was. But past that Remus could see a flash of a memory; a distant memory where they were only young boys, too young to understand much of anything except for stories of magic and knights and true love and boys who never howled or hated, whispered into a quiet Hogwarts night in the wand light, their knees touching just so, and Remus would quietly watch Sirius speak, gesture, _live_ in all the ways he always had, completely enraptured by his inherent charm and beauty.

But they were no longer boys and stories were merely stories and Sirius’ eyes weren’t nearly as bright as they used to be.

“I’m sorry.”

Remus looked at him, really looked at him, although it was hardly the first time. Sirius was sorry, Remus knew that, he’d always known that, but it didn’t mean anything special. Sirius was sorry about a lot of things and the fact that he’d let go of his pride to say so didn’t mean as much to Remus as it used to.

“I know.”

Sirius nodded and took a few shaky breaths. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“Please, Sirius, stop lying to me,” Remus whispered, but he didn’t know why. They’d had plenty of roes along the same line of discussion. He supposed he didn’t want James to know about this; he didn’t want anyone to think he had forgiven Sirius. He didn’t think he ever would forgive Sirius. He paused for a moment to listen for any sign that James or Peter was awake. “You meant everything.”

“I _didn’t,_ Rem–”

“You didn’t want to hurt Snape? Tell me you didn’t want to hurt him, Sirius, and we’ll forget the whole thing.” Remus snapped.

Sirius looked pained. “I didn’t want to hurt _you._ ”

“That’s just not good enough.” It should have been good enough.

“Moony – Remus, let me make it up to you.”

Remus shook his head. “You can’t.”

He stood to leave, but then Sirius’ hand was on his shoulder and he was on his knees, sheets curled around his legs as the curtains around his bed opened slightly to allow Remus out. A sliver of moonlight lit Sirius’ face. His bottom lip was trembling so he bit down on it, looking up at Remus behind long, dark eyelashes and long, dark hair. _He looks like a little boy,_ Remus thought.

“Please don’t leave, Remus. I need you.”

Remus thought about two little boys who didn’t belong. He wondered if there was some alternate universe where they found safety in each other, but all that about parallel universes was probably all made up by someone as bitter and lonely as himself.

 “I know you do, Sirius.”

He lay in bed for hours and wondered if there were nightmares worse than this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Involves a bit of swearing and a bit of smut.

Sirius Black could not take a hint. Even when it was not a hint and actually an extremely clear statement, apparently he did not understand.

Remus realized this when Sirius sat down across from him in the library. Remus had taken to going off by himself, preferring his own company to the relentless irritation that was a bonus package of James and Peter walking on eggshells around him. Even Lily had joined the club and was shooting sympathetic looks his way whenever someone said something along the lines of, “You can’t be serious.”

When Remus had found himself snapping at everyone and returning worried looks with heated ones, he decided that perhaps it would be better for everyone if he disappeared every now and then.

On this particular day, Peter had been trying to describe a Hufflepuff fifth year to James and when asked her hair color lowered his voice to a whisper and said, “Darkish, you know. Like, like, well, _black_.”

The fact that Remus had been able to stand up and walk away without some act of violence showed a lot of restraint, he thought. Some peace and quiet wasn’t too much to ask after such an ordeal. But apparently Sirius Black had not gotten the memo.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked, staring at the other boy over the top of his book.

Sirius answered calmly, “Writing my Potions essay,” as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

Remus ground his teeth together, finding a bit of perverse pleasure in the way Sirius winced at the noise.

“I told you that you can’t make it up to me,” Remus hissed, lowering his voice when his words caught the attention of a few nosy first years. Sirius shot them a look and they hurriedly shuffled parchment and books around, as if they hadn’t seen or heard anything.

“I don’t see how my completing an assignment would have anything to do with making something up to you.”

And Sirius had always been stupidly stubborn, this wasn’t anything new, but Remus pressed down his conflicted feelings. A part of him wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, another part wanted to remind him of a few nights ago, when he looked up at Remus like a child and pleaded with him to stay because he needed him. The problem with the latter, however, was that Remus had never been nasty, not purposefully. He was overall a _nice_ guy until all this with Sirius and That Night. Sometimes Remus himself wondered why he hadn’t forgiven Sirius yet.

Instead of saying any of that, Remus looked back down at his book and said, “Go away, Sirius.” He had meant it to sound harsh, maybe even threatening, but it just sounded tired.

When he didn’t hear anything, he assumed that maybe Sirius had silently slunk away, but then Sirius stood and leaned across the table, placing his hands flat on the table on either side of Remus’ book. When Remus looked up he was right there, so, so close, right in front of Remus’ face and Remus had to refrain from gasping and leaning immediately back.

So much had changed over the past year, but he noticed that Sirius still had the same proud set to his jaw and his eyes still looked like silver.

“I’m not giving up on this, Remus Lupin. I’m not giving up on you.”

Remus stared defiantly up at him, narrowing his eyes. “Well, that goes to show how desperate and pathetic you are, Black, because I gave up on you a long time ago.”

He shut his book with a snap and pushed back his chair in one swift move, standing to leave the library in calm, collected strides, ignoring the sting in his eyes as he refused to look back, refused to acknowledge how empty his gut felt.

Remus Lupin had always been stubborn.

 

_He is running, but there is nowhere to run. As hard as he tries to escape, he is trapped in a small space, stuck slamming against walls and tearing at himself with claws and teeth as sharp as razors. Sharp scents prick his nose, sending him into another frenzy, raking twisted claws down a wall, the paper shredding._

_All he can smell is blood, blood on the walls, on the floor, on himself. Snarling, he recognizes more scents – fear, excitement._

_He is running. He is slamming his body against a door and he can hear it splintering, can smell the shock and the fear and the anxiety and the incredible scent of flesh. One more time and the door breaks and blood is rushing into his mouth, the taste drowning out the feral screams and pleading on the other side._

_He lifts his head to the moon and howls._

Remus woke in a cold sweat. He sat up in bed, panicked, his heart racing, and focused on counting his breathes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.

He released a shaky breath and stretched his senses out a little bit further. In the dead of the night, he could hear only one set of snores, which only served to increase his heart rate again.

“James?” he whispered, fingers curled tightly into the blankets. When there is no answer, he shifts to the edge of his bed, carefully pulling back the curtains. Still, only Peter’s bed makes any noise.

Even when Remus was a child, he was painfully curious, and although James’ and Sirius’ absence should not have made him as annoyed as it did, he almost desperately wanted to know what they were doing. What Remus refused to admit to anyone else, not even Lily, a blessedly unbiased third party, was that he missed the days where his friend group was whole. As much as he tried, he just couldn’t forget running around the castle in the middle of the night, pressed close to his friends under James’ cloak as they explored, gasping with laughter as they outran Filch or escaped the clutches of an aggravated looking McGonagall with her hair in curlers.

With a nostalgic smile, Remus got out of bed, quietly stepping out of the room. At the top of the stairs he could he the faint sound of voices down in the common room, but couldn’t quite make out the words. Pressing himself close against the wall, he descended the stairs, pausing before the entrance to the common room.

“I’ve _tried._ You don’t think I’ve tried? He doesn’t want to talk to me! Or look at me! Or breathe the same air as me!”

“Now I think you’re being dramatic.”

“James, listen to me! He doesn’t want to be friends with me. I thought – I thought maybe I could fix it, but I can’t.”

“No, you listen to _me_! You fucked this up and you are going to make it right again!”

It was quiet for a few moments. Remus bit his lip and leaned closer, hoping that neither of them would round the corner while he was standing there. When Sirius spoke again it was quiet and broken. “I have these nightmares, James. Moony’s ripping someone apart and I can see that they’re dying, but it’s not – it’s not Snape.”

“It’s you?”

“It’s _him._ I’m killing him.”

James sighed. “They’re just dreams, Sirius.”

“It’s been a year.” Sirius sounded so tired then, like he was years older. “He hates me.”

“So give it another year,” James replied, his tone softer as well, “you can’t give up, Sirius, not with this.”

“What if he doesn’t ever forgive me?”

More silence. “I don’t think he ever will, but we’re family.”

Remus hurried up the stairs, only tripping once. He tried to steady his breathing once he was in bed again, but found that he could not calm his racing heart. When had it gone this far?

 

Sirius sat across from Remus in Herbology.

This action earned Sirius stares from more students than Remus. It was no secret that they had barely spoken in over a year, because of some mysterious falling out that had grabbed the school’s attention for a few weeks before they moved on to the new Hufflepuff seeker breaking up with her boyfriend. But that was a year ago and they were itching for new gossip. Remus just didn’t plan to give any to them.

After a grueling two and half minutes of Sirius uncharacteristically saying nothing, instead watching James try to work with a Venomous Tentacula. Remus continued staring at Sirius as the black-haired boy tried to hide a smile due to James’ loud swearing.

Finally, Remus decided that if Sirius wasn’t going to say something, he would.

“What?”

Sirius looked up at him, surprised. “’What’ what?”

“What do you want?”

With a smirk, Sirius said, “Would it be too cheesy to say ‘you’?”

Remus continued staring at him. Sirius sighed.

“I don’t _want_  anything from you. I just – I’m not going to ever stop trying, you know?” When Remus still didn’t respond, Sirius sighed again and shoved his hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face. “Look, I know you’re not going to forgive me, but you have to know that I’ve never stopped being your friend. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Remus looked down at his hands. “Why?”

“Because I fucked up.” Sirius was rarely ever solemn, but his tone was completely earnest, every word genuine. “But you’re still Moony and I’m still Padfoot.”

 

Remus closed his eyes.

_Flashes of red and the moon, claws digging into flesh. The moon hangs above on a single thread, watching with a cold eye. Perpetually grinning monsters begin to choke, freezing as pale fingers wrap around their hearts and squeeze. A bright light flashes in front of his eyes, blinding him, and he hears grief ridden howls._

Remus opens his eyes, quickly sitting up. He can’t seem to get enough oxygen in his lungs. It feels too much like the dreams, too much like suffocation. He supposes he never will escape from that night.

Remus stills as he hears soft huffs of breath and muffled whimpers a few feet away. _I have these nightmares,_ Sirius had said. Well, Remus knew a thing or two about nightmares.

Later, Remus would wonder what prompted him to go to Sirius’ bed. The truth was, there was a side to Remus that he couldn’t ignore. No matter how much he didn’t like a person, he would always want to help, even in the smallest of ways. He wasn’t sure if he flat out didn’t like Sirius, everything seemed a bit more complicated than that, but he was still willing to help. Especially after the conversation he overheard the other night. Remus just wasn’t sure he was willing to play the villain anymore.

But when he pulled back the curtains, Sirius wasn’t curled into a ball, shaking or sweating. He was stretched out; the blankets pulled back just enough to reveal that his boxers were pulled down off his hips. His head was thrown back, his bottom lip in his mouth, and Remus could almost see his heartbeat in the long, tight muscles standing out in his neck.

Later, Remus would wonder why he didn’t walk away. But then he remembered that swooping feeling he used to get whenever Sirius walked into a room, back before Remus knew that all of the other boys got nervous around girls and James started staring at Lily Evans with large, round eyes whenever she chewed on the end of her quill.

Remus was frozen. He belatedly realized that the movement in Sirius’ shorts had ceased and he was now looking up at him with wide eyes. There wasn’t any thought put into the easy decision to crawl up into the bed, drawing the curtains closed behind him.

It was only when he was sat low on Sirius’ legs, Remus’ knees pressing into the mattress on either side of them, that Remus suddenly forgot how to breathe. _What the hell am I doing?_

But then Sirius’ wide eyes weren’t so wide anymore and he didn’t seem as shocked at Remus as Remus was and he hadn’t covered himself up again and _oh Merlin, that’s Sirius’ dick, I’m looking at his cock._

Sirius let out a rush of air, but Remus couldn’t look at his face. He was too focused on Sirius’ hands, one on his stomach, fingers splayed out on the lean muscles there, while his other hand worked up and down his length.

Remus couldn’t stop staring.

It was only when Sirius murmured, “ _Fuck_ , Moony,” that he was jolted into action and there he was, leaning forward, his hands on Sirius’ face and Sirius’ hands pressed between them and Sirius’ cock was pressed up against Remus’ belly, but he couldn’t find it in himself to mind, not when their lips were touching like this. Everything was wet and sloppy, rough and bruising, Remus’ hands on the side of Sirius’ face holding him there, but Sirius’ wasn’t pulling away, he was leaning up into Remus, his hips jerking up into the other boy’s and one hand finding its way up Remus’ shirt, digging his fingernails into Remus’ back.

Sirius shuddered as Remus reached a hand down to wrap around Sirius’ cock and he was tugging it and the angle was all wrong, but Sirius had been close anyway and when he came his head dropped down on the pillow, a strand of saliva stretching between their mouths as the kiss disconnected.

Remus looked down at Sirius in disbelief, both in himself and the other young man. He wiped his hand on his pants. Sirius was looking up at him with the same lazy grin he used to wear after a night with too much firewhiskey, but all Remus could manage was a long exhale. It had all happened so fast he’d hardly had any time to think about what he was doing and what the repercussions might be.

Friends didn’t do things like this, not when they weren’t even friends anymore.

Sirius fingers were in Remus’ hair on the side of his head, his thumb pressed to the skin just under Remus’ jaw. He twirled a strand around a digit. “Hey, Moony.”

Remus swallowed hard. “Hey, Padfoot.”

Consequences were better left until the morning.


	3. Three

It wasn’t as if they were hiding.

Sirius reminded Remus of this in the way he pressed their shoulders together when walking through the halls or laced their fingers together in the dark when walking off the Quidditch pitch after a game; Remus reminded Sirius in the form of their knees touching warmly and comfortably under the table at breakfast and notes slipped into eager palms. 

They weren’t hiding, but Remus felt like they should be. 

Because, honestly, he was still furious. He reminded himself of this as he lay in bed, staring up at the dust floating and shimmering in the light that shone through the gaps in his bed hangings. His head was already throbbing with the full moon so soon, but the thought of Sirius just made his eyes ache even more. He desperately wished that if he squeezed them shut all the pain would go away, but the relative darkness still held memories, memories of blood and screams and whispers and the soft sound of hands against skin and then he had to open his eyes again.

“Moony?”

The whisper came like a blessing and a curse. Remus longed to reach out towards the familiar voice, but red lights and warning signs started flashing through his brain so he sank deeper into his covers instead, pulling his sheets up to cover his face, stopping just below his hairline. The hot air under the sheets smelled like sweat and teenage boy, but at least it didn’t smell like stale cigarettes and wet dog.

“Moony?”

He could hear the hanging being pulled back, wondered if he should hold his breath, but he was supposed to be playing asleep, not dead, and he thought the air under the sheets must not have a lot of oxygen and obviously he was losing brain cells.

“Remus, you’re not even snoring.”

With a scowl, Remus pulled the sheets down so they just barely covered his chin. He looked up at Sirius through the damp, tangled hair that fell into his blurry vision and said, “I don’t snore.”

Sirius grinned down at him, pushing on his shoulder in an effort to get him to scooch over. Remus resolutely stayed put. “You do snore, a lot, like an old man.”

Remus’s scowl deepened. “I do not.”

Giving up on the war to push him, Sirius clambered onto the bed anyway, laying half on top of Remus with a canine grin. “Stop lying to yourself, old man.”  
Remus grimaced at the added weight, trying to shift all his aching parts out from under all of Sirius’s angles without disturbing him too much. He didn’t know why. His body at war with his brain once again, one part stupidly infatuated, the other incredibly angry.

And there’s that other thing that he wished he could stop reminding himself of, the stupid infatuation. He didn’t understand how anyone could go so quickly from furious to affectionate, but his life has never been simple, has it? And Sirius had this way of flipping everything on its head. Trust Sirius Black to even ruin his anger.

“I hate you,” he muttered, not sure if he wanted Sirius to hear or not. Sirius only grunts. His hand is running up and down Remus’s arm, so softly it’s barely noticeable, but Remus has never been able to not notice Sirius and the damn idiot knows that.

“We should talk.”

But that – Remus definitely was not expecting that.

“Are we friends again?”

“I thought you’ve ‘never stopped being my friend’?”

Sirius didn’t even flinch at the obvious mocking of his own words. For some reason that made Remus want to crawl even further into his covers and never come out. “C’mon, Remus, really. Do you forgive me?”

Remus felt his blood run cold and he thought, for a moment, that was all he needed around the full moon, whenever he started running a fever, just get Sirius to start screwing things up again. Over the last week he had been doing so, so well forgetting the past year, or, at least, ignoring it.

“No.”

Sirius did flinch at that and something in Remus’s belly uncurled with warm satisfaction, but it didn’t last long. He wiggled around a bit, nervous, uncomfortable, his damp skin sticking to the sheets with hot itchiness. For once, he wished he was already at the Shrieking Shack, anywhere to not be here.

“But I thought–?”

“You thought wrong.”

Sirius moved away, his skin unsticking from Remus with a sickening sound as he sat up, his legs hanging off the side of the bed. Remus couldn’t make himself look at him, but he was not enough of a coward to let himself just shut his eyes, so he stared at the ceiling again.

“Do I mean anything to you?”

His voice was wounded and small and Remus thought, if only he’d had more common sense than to get involved in something so complicated with a boy so broken. 

He doesn’t have any luck if he can’t learn something from a textbook, and this is one problem no magic lesson could solve.

He continued staring at the ceiling until Sirius left, stared until the sun began its descent, all the while wondering why his lips couldn’t form the words, “You mean something.”

 

His arms itched.

He wanted to itch them all through Transfiguration, felt the urge to scratch during Potions, and began rubbing his left forearm through his sleeves near the end of History of Magic. 

It was some new side effect of this experimental potion from Romania and ordinarily the itching would be no problem, except for the fresh wounds from the full moon two days ago still hadn’t healed over and any extra duress would cause them to just open up again and what was he supposed to say to his classmates if he just started bleeding everywhere.

Honestly, it wasn’t just his arms that itched; everything felt like it needed to be rubbed up against or touched or something and maybe he was just kind of horny too, but that didn’t matter, it didn’t mean anything when he couldn’t look away from a certain animagus chewing of the end of a quill for an hour or absentmindedly biting his fingernails, Remus wasn’t looking at his mouth for Merlin’s sake, he wasn’t even looking.

And he definitely didn’t care about the concerned looks Sirius sent his way whenever he accidentally spilled ink or missed out on inches worth of notes because he didn’t care about Sirius, he didn’t care how he felt, he just wanted to itch his arms, damn it!

Except for how all Remus could think about was pressing their bodies close together and rutting his hips against Sirius’ and making him beg, all those filthy little things that would pour out of Sirius’s mouth, Merlin, as he just begged for Remus to touch him or kiss him or suck him off or fuck him…  
But Remus didn’t care about any of that, he just wanted to scratch his arms.

 

James looked over his shoulder, pointedly not looking behind Remus, where Sirius lagged behind. “Are you coming, Moony?”

Remus nodded. “I’m just going to duck into the library for a few minutes. Go on ahead, else you might miss out on any pudding.”

James hesitated, but Peter had begun buzzing with anxiety to hurry. The smaller boy tapped his friend on the shoulder a few times. “C’mon, James, pudding.”

Remus knew that James knew that something was up, but maybe he thought better of asking or maybe he didn’t know nearly as much as he let on because he didn’t say a word. To his credit he didn’t even send a suspicious glance towards the skulking boy behind Remus.

As the two scurried off, Remus whirled around, grabbing Sirius by his shirt collar and hauling him into an alcove. Sirius huffed a bit irritably and Remus narrowed his eyes.

“What?”

“Well, I mean,” Sirius murmured, placing his hands on the taller boy’s hips, “it couldn’t have waited a bit longer? I guess you just want me that badly.”

“Shut up,” Remus growled. A surge of annoyance welled in his stomach as Sirius opened his mouth again, so Remus silenced him by pressing their mouths together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend keeps bothering me to update this SO HERE


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin feels like he's dying.

“Are you sure you’re stirring that counterclockwise?”

Remus blinked down at the potion, as if he was just realizing it was there. Honestly, he’d been more distracted than usual, though it didn’t have anything to do with the way Sirius stuck out the tip of his tongue when he was chopping worms.

The potion was thick and bright orange, bubbling up towards the edge of the cauldron, threatening to slop over the sides. It looked extremely threatening, as if it were taking on a life of its own, maliciously intending to eat away at the floor and their shoes if spilled.

“Uh,” he said.

Sirius reached around Remus to grasp the spoon, arm lightly brushing Remus’ waist. Remus found himself trapped between Sirius and the steaming cauldron, but, strangely, he didn’t mind leaning back into Sirius to escape the heat. Sirius laughed softly into his ear and Remus could feel his smile pressed into the back of his shoulder.

Hidden behind the thick steam, Remus chanced a smile of his own, thankful for James’ absence due to an intense Quidditch practice and chronic laziness. Although, that did except Peter, who Remus could see out of the corner of his eye standing completely still, a bit shocked. Oh well, it wouldn’t take much to convince him not to say anything.

Remus barely understood the changes in his mood recently. It was almost as if he hadn’t been feeling much of anything for this past year, but that was ridiculous.

“See, Lily, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

Remus’ smile wavered as he focused on the words from a few tables away.

“Remus, are you listening to me?”

Remus shushed Sirius, placing a hand lightly on his stomach to still him. Sirius pursed his lips, but otherwise didn’t speak, just continued slowly stirring the potion.

“I honestly don’t know what you’re going on about, Alice.”

“I’m talking about them. I can’t believe Sirius. Or Remus, for that matter. Why is he letting himself be so easily manipulated?”

“Alice, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Listen, Lily! Everyone knows those two haven’t got on for at least a year, and we all know that

Sirius probably started it, whatever it was. So why has Remus had a sudden change of heart? It’s a shame, is what it is. I finally thought that he was going to stand up to him.”

Remus waited for the response, ignoring how stiff Sirius had gone beside him.

“Are you still bitter that he wouldn’t go to Hogsmeade with you?"

“Lily! No!”

“Can we please focus? You haven’t stirred in five minutes!”

Remus looked at Sirius, but he avoided eye contact, moving away, putting his full attention on the potion in front of them, which was now turning a little gray. His words echoed in Remus’s ears, _Are you ever going to forgive me?_

 

 

The heat from the fire warmed Remus’ feet and hands until he could feel them again. His fingertips had gone tingley in The Great Hall and numb by the time he’d reached the dormitory. He’d tried turning the pages of his textbooks only to end up wanting to tear his hair out in irritation.

What if his whole life was like this? Ruined by useless serums and experimental potions that only served to deteriorate his body even further. He had the sinking feeling that the only thing that could save him from the curse is death, but he wasn’t sure which was worse. Despite everything, the smell of parchment and the dust on books and the soft breeze blowing through the garden back home and the brush of skin on skin at midnight - those were worth the living, almost worth that one night where he succumbed to the madness.

His fingers felt a bit better now, although they still ached. Each joint pulsed with a flare of pain every now and then. It seemed that the pain had entered his body at the fingers and toes and traveled through every nerve; everything hurt.

He’d given up on homework a while ago, choosing to spend the night curled up on the big armchair in the common room, watching the fire with narrowed amber eyes, dark bruise-color bags underneath. In search of warmth he’d tucked his feet up under himself and cocooned himself within an afghan, which had been thrown over the back of the couch. The yarn was deep red and sparkling gold and he rolled loose threads between his fingers.

“Remus?”

He tensed, feeling his heart race in his chest, in his wrists, up in his throat. A shock of red hair alerted him to the identity of the person who spoke, apart from, well, he should have recognized her voice, but his senses felt dull. Even his vision was slightly blurry.

She sat perched on the edge of the sofa, facing Remus with her hands clasped in her lap. He could only look at her for a moment before he felt sick. He couldn’t stand being faced with concern. Or pity, for that matter, and he rather figured it was the latter of the two.

“Are you all right?”

He shrugged in response.

“It’s just…” she said, turning her gaze toward the fire as well, “you seem out of sorts lately. And, well, I know there’s something going on with Sirius - “

He tensed up, setting his jaw, determinedly not looking towards her. She merely made a dismissing huff and continued speaking. “But I know that’s not the only thing that’s bothering you. Is- is the full moon getting worse? I know it was only a few days ago, but usually you have a bit of color by now and you just - Remus, it seems like you’re just wasting away.”

He was surprised to hear her voice break and that was the only reason he looked at her, all rapidly blinking eyes. She rubbed the back of her hand against her eyes, laughing wetly.

“I’m sorry. You don’t need me to be all over you...blubbering with all this nonsense…”

“It’s not nonsense, Lily,” he said softly, faintly wondering when he started comforting her instead. He leans forward almost out of his seat, placing a cold, tingling hand on her shoulder. He could barely feel the fabric of her robe, but he ignored it, choosing to focus entirely on her instead. “Nothing you worry about it is nonsense, there’s always some truth in every suspicion, in every lie.”

She sniffled, looking up at him with damp green eyes and smiling a bit grimly. “If this is your way of breaking the news to me that you’re dying, it’s a pretty miserable job.”

Surprisingly, that made him laugh and he sat back in his seat, feeling a little warmer than he had previously. “I’m not dying, Lily. I’m in,” he paused and gestured up and down at his body with a shaking hand, “perfect health.”

She, too, managed a breathy chuckle. He felt his stomach sink when she bit her lip and looked at him seriously, once again. “But, if you’re all right, I mean. What the hell is going on?”

He groaned, head thumping back against the plushy back of the armchair. “C’mon, Lily, leave it.”

She was so quiet he could have imagined she’d fallen asleep, but there was no way Lily Evans would ever give up that easily. She was too stubborn, too strong-willed, too protective of the people she loved to ever brush off a feeling that something was wrong. He simultaneously loved and hated that about her.

“Is this about Sirius?”

He was going to throw up, honestly he was. He was going to vomit and pass out and then maybe she wouldn’t ask him about the one person he didn’t want to be asked about, maybe she would be so distracted she’d forget all about it. That sounded like a great plan. Except for how she would only end up next to him in the Hospital Wing, leaning over him, asking about how he’s feeling and is this about Sirius, it’s okay Remus, you can tell me.

He could have denied it, he could have said that it was the potions or that some Slytherin hexed him, but he didn’t. Instead, he admitted, “I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

 

_He stands in the kitchen, frozen, staring at the tiles his mother used to dance on, when she dried the dishes, humming to Muggle music on the radio. Days before the full moon, she would haul him up from his school work at the table, gently urging him to place his tiny feet on hers and she’d wrap her arms tightly around him and twirl him round and round and round, singing all the while, the dishes lying forgotten. Outside the window, the wind chimes would join in her song and when she tucked him into bed, she’d whisper to him stories of little boys with magic from the tips of their fingers to the soles of their feet._

_He lets out a shaky breath as a hand lands on his shoulder. Wrapping thin arms around his own middle, he blinks rapidly to clear the tears from his eyes. “Please don’t.”_

_Sirius sighs heavily, squeezing his shoulder. “Moony, it’ll be okay.”_

_“How could it ever be okay? She’s gone.”_

_Sirius stands in front of him, placing a hand on each of Remus’s cheeks, softly lifting his head. His silver eyes search for something in Remus’s red-rimmed ones, and he has the most sincere expression Remus has ever seen him wear. Even when Sirius was sent Howlers he laughed it off and when Regulus spoke to him harshly, he shrugged and walked away._

_“It will be okay, eventually. Do you know why?”_

_Remus slowly shakes his head, careful not to loosen the boy’s hold on him. “No. Tell me why.”_

_Sirius smiles. “I’m always going to be here to pick you up, even when you insist you can do it yourself.”_

_Sirius Black is the world’s most careless person._

_Now, he stands in a half-blood’s kitchen in Wales, feet planted firmly on the ground, his heart and eyes open._

  
_And Remus thinks he is the most beautiful person in the world._


	5. Chapter 5

He hated the Hospital Ward, no matter how much Madam Pomfrey attempted to make him feel at home. It was still a cold, blank, uninviting place that held the stench of sick and wounds, at least to him, anyway. Other students at Hogwarts had not been graced with his gift of heightened senses. No matter how disgusting the rank smell of the infirmary was, Remus found himself unnerved by how little he could smell it.

Certainly the nausea could have come from the tumble down the stairs he’d had a few short minutes ago, but he was used to pain and despite the intense bouts of aching and tingling he’d had recently he usually found it easy to ignore the hurt. The vague pounding in his head was not an exception. But he couldn’t ignore the absence of smell.

He wouldn’t have even need here if Lily hadn’t seen him fall.

“Are you sure no one pushed you? Or hexed you?”

Remus laid on his stomach on a hospital bed with Madam Pomfrey leaning over him, prodding at the edges of bruises with the tip of her wand and closely inspecting his still-pink wounds from the last full moon.

Remus stiffened, the incipient anxiety in the pit of his stomach growing. “What do you mean? Why would someone push me?”

Madam Pomfrey tutted. “I know how rowdy you Gryffindors get. I’m not blind, you know.”

He briefly wondered if she had also noticed how fiercely protective his friends were of him. Even Peter had gone toe-to-toe with a Ravenclaw who had suggested something “unsavory” about Remus. Their assumption hadn’t been wrong, Remus thought, looking back, but he was glad that Peter had stood up for him. He really was brave, despite whatever they said to him or his timidity.

Still, Remus snorted. He had no doubt that she knew most of what happened in the halls of Hogwarts, but he had the feeling she took extra care to keep tabs on him. She’d always been caring, almost like a mother, especially since his own had passed away back in Fourth Year, back before everything fell apart only to get so damn complicated.

“It was nothing like that, I promise,” he said. “Plus, they’re not as bad as they used to be.”

“I wasn’t just blaming Mr. Potter and Mr. Pettigrew, Remus.”

He turned his head so instead of his forehead, his cheek rested on his forearm. Raising an eyebrow, he laughed at her sly smile before closing his eyes.

He was greeted with an image of James’ thoughtful expression, Lily’s intense focus on _The Daily Prophet_ every morning, and Peter’s cautiousness. Even Sirius stepped much more lightly. “Everyone is a lot more careful these days, I swear.”

She was quiet for a moment. “I think that is the wise thing to do, especially in the world we live in today.” She paused and when she spoke again her voice was much softer, almost broken. “You have to be aware, Remus. The world has changed since you were a little boy.”

He wrinkled his nose as she pinched his cheek, trying to alleviate the oncoming feeling of darkness. She sighed. “It’s changed since _I_ was young, not always for the worse, but not always for the better.”

Remus thought about Sirius, how he used to be so wary of him in First Year, how strong their friendship had been, followed by his sudden absence from Remus’s life. Change happened no matter what you did to stop it. They knew that better than anyone.

“We’ll be all right,” he said, doing his best to reassure her. He was sure she’d see right through it. The heavy shadow hung over everyone those days, news articles weighed heavily on the shoulders of even the most innocent of First Years. The world was a darker place and no amount of gentle whispers could piece it back together. But there was always hope for the sun to break through the storm again, he truly believed that.

She patted his shoulder. “You can sit up now, love.”

He exhaled slowly as he did so, ignoring the ache in his back and shoulders and the sharp pull in his ribs.

“Now,” she said, “you just…fell? Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, young man.”

Remus grinned easily, swinging his legs so his feet brushed the floor. He had to lift his legs a little and sit back farther in order to manage it. He wasn’t eleven anymore and he’d grown considerably since then.

“Yes, ma’am,” he teased, the seemingly constant knot in his stomach ebbing away at the amused, half-disapproving look she gave him. “Yes, I just fell. I don’t – I don’t really know why, honestly.”

He was lying, of course.

Madam Pomfrey looked doubtful. “Were you just coming from Potions? I know sometimes the fumes make you light-headed.”

He was saved from answering by the door to the wing slamming shut. Madam Pomfrey stiffened. Clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth, she hurried out of the curtained off area to see who was there disturbing her patients.

It was like all of Remus’s senses had come flooding back into his body. He relaxed slightly, glad for the first time in a long time when he caught the familiar scent of stale cigarettes and wet dog.

Sirius’s panicked words floated through the air to him and Remus breathed them in like oxygen, filling his lungs with comforting fire.

“Where is he?”

“Mr. Black, he is fine! I don’t think it is appropriate that you are here, however. You are skipping class and I’m sure he –”

Remus stood, though a sharp pain flared up through his legs at the effort. He winced. “Madam Pomfrey?” he called.

Sirius burst through the curtains, eyes widening as he caught sight of Remus. He rushed forward, standing between Remus’s legs and holding his head between both hands.

“Are you all right?” he breathed.

Remus rolled his eyes, but a smile was still beginning to play on his lips. He looked down at his hands in his lap as Madam Pomfrey bustled in after Sirius, looking cross.

“Mr. Black! I insist that you return to your classes at _once_.”

Sirius brushed a thumb over the bruise blooming on Remus’s left cheek, just under his eye. Remus could feel Sirius’s eyes still on him, just as someone can feel the sun shining warmly on them on a warm summer day, so he was left to respond to Madam Pomfrey.

“Can he stay for a few minutes?” he asked, not looking up from where his hands had been inching towards the hem of Sirius’s button up.

Madam Pomfrey looked surprised, not just at the sudden appearance of Sirius in Remus’s life again, but at how…close they seemed, almost as if nothing had ever happened. “Are you sure?”

Remus nodded and after a few short moments heard her footsteps moving away at a quick pace, the click of her shoes echoing about the nearly silent Hospital Wing.

“What are you doing here, Sirius?”

Sirius huffed. “I think the correct question is _what the hell happened, Remus?_ Hm?”

Remus shook his head. “I fell down the stairs. It isn’t as big of a deal as everyone is making it out to be.”

Sirius presses down hard enough on the bruise under Remus’s eye to make him hiss a breath out through his teeth. “Not a big deal, huh?”

“It _isn’t._ I’m clumsy and distracted, you all know that.”

“Remus Lupin, ‘clumsy’ was an excuse you tried as a First Year, don’t you dare try that on me again because it will just be sad and I won’t believe you anyway.”

Remus laughed and looked up, meeting Sirius’s silver eyes with his own amber ones. He supposed it would be too poetic and sappy to say that it always made sense, Sirius’s eyes, because they burned him just as much as the real thing.

“Honestly, Moony,” Sirius whispered. “What is going on?”

Remus let out a shaky breath, half-laugh half-nerves. “It’s just these experimental potions I’m – my dad found this reputable place in Romania, at least, he says they’re reputable and it’s – it’s working, I think.”

He didn’t know if he was telling the truth or lying, honestly. He didn’t know, he didn’t know, he didn’t care.

Sirius merely looked confused so Remus continued. “The side effects are weird, but nothing I can’t handle. I just got a little dizzy and missed a step. Not a big deal, see?”

“You’re an idiot,” Sirius said. Still, he leaned down to press his lips against the top of Remus’s head and Remus let him. Later, he would argue that he felt sick and out of it and Sirius was a familiar face, but they would both know that he just wanted to feel the warmth of the sun in his eyes again.

 

“Sirius told me you’re taking experimental potions?”

Remus looked up from his essay. “Why are you talking to Sirius about me?”

James sits heavily next to him on the sofa. He leans over Remus’s shoulder, eyes flicking over the words Remus has carefully selected in an effort to be nonchalant as he said, “I think the real question is, when did you start talking to Sirius at all?”

Remus shrugs James away, pursing his lips. This was exactly why he hated having a close group of friends sometimes – they all talked about each other. Nothing was private unless he was speaking to Lily. At least _she_ wasn’t a busybody.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Potter.”

“Listen here, Lupin. You’re _all_ my business. I’ve had to suffer through a year of this nonsense and then you don’t even _tell_ me you two are all right again. I’m hurt, Remus, really.”

“Again,” Remus said, aggravation flaring up in his chest, “I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation.”

James huffed out an irritated sigh. “Fine, whatever, keep your dirty secrets. But the experimental potions?” He lowered his voice considerably, conscious of the other students milling about the common room. “Those aren’t a good idea. Your mother wouldn’t let you take them eventually; don’t you think that says something about them?”

Remus clenched his jaw, his teeth grinding together. Right when he thought things might not be quite as bad, James had to come in and stick his nose in it. He loved James, he really did, but sometimes he’d rather have his business be his business. “Good thing my mother is dead, then, isn’t it?”

James was quiet for a long time. He sat back, staring blankly into the fire as Remus went back to reviewing the essay. When James spoke again Remus had already dismissed the conversation as done with.

“Your mother might be dead; Remus, but you still have a family. I don’t care what your father does to pressure you, you are fine just the way you are.”

Remus stood abruptly, gathering his parchment and books up. “The way I am is a fucking werewolf, James. Excuse me if I’m not okay with that.”

 

Lily found him in the library.

“What, are you all plotting my downfall or something? Can’t you just leave me the fuck alone?”

Lily sat, tucking her skirt under her carefully as she crossed her legs. Remus had been hiding in the library since he’d left the Common Room, a little under an hour ago. Although, he wouldn’t say he was _hiding,_ per say. Just…avoiding everyone else.

“I honestly don’t know what you’re referring to – I just came from a meeting with Professor McGonagall.” She said, leaning forward to glance over his parchment. Her hair had been tied back, but strands had fallen loose and the hair framing her face looked even more like fire in the dim glow of lanterns.

Remus sighed. “Sorry. I’m a bit high strung today.”

Lily tilted her head, eyes flickering over his face. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shrugged. His headache had returned with a vengeance and what he really wanted to do was go to sleep, but he needed to catch up on the work he’d missed and, secretly, he was half-hoping Sirius would come looking for him. He was hardly in the mood for anything, but Sirius seemed happy enough just to sit quietly. Sometimes all Remus really wanted was someone who would stay with him without having to fill the silence with words.

Words didn’t mean as much as they could have, honestly.

Lily smiled. “We don’t have to talk. I get it.”

Remus managed to smile back, grateful that she was so intuitive. In the low, flickering lights of the nearly empty library, it was easier than ever to see how strong a person Lily Evans was, while realizing, maybe for the first time, how carefully she tread to make people feel comfortable when they really needed it. She was a beautiful human being, really. James wasn’t an idiot for caring for her, at least, for the idea of her.

She reached out to touch the back of his hand, fingertips grazing the sensitive end of a scarring cut. Remus squeezed her hand and felt grateful, for the first time in a long time, for this home he’d been granted in the people who loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a lot of this on napkins in a restaurant, which is kinda poetic, considering...  
> There hasn't been a lot of Remus/Sirius interaction the past few parts! Sorry! The next part will have a lot more. I've just been thinking about how at this stage they're realizing that nothing is forever, they have to grow up, the world has changed, etc.   
> I hope you've enjoyed reading so far!

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo this is going to be a chaptered fic, but I don't know how often I will be updating. Stay tuned I suppose.  
> (Also, I have no beta for this, I'm just going for it gotta live my life you know wooooooo)
> 
> Title is from The Wolves and The Ravens by Rogue Valley


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